I’m re-publishing some of my previously paywalled posts, slightly revised.
You may have heard of—or experienced—the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified these stages over 50 years ago, and while I’d tangentially heard about them, I never thought much about them until I needed to—and I found them in an unlikely place.
My tarot deck card is Death.1 The Death card, when pulled, doesn’t typically signify the death of a person. It can be the death of a part of oneself, a material loss, or it can be interpreted as transition or transformation. I feel super comfortable around change and am constantly transforming in small ways, but I was not prepared for what Death had in store for me this time…
The essence of transforming is the shedding or leaving behind of something to become something else. The most obvious and dramatic example is the metamorphosis of the caterpillar into the butterfly. The caterpillar does not die, but its form and its caterpillar way of life does.
We make these transformations in our own lifetimes as well. We leave our parents homes, have our own family, get married and/or divorced, or change careers. We very rarely see transformations if they unfold over the course of many years, but the sudden or more dramatic ones can shock us to our core.
In my conversations with other Founders who also sold their businesses, more often than not, the conversation of emotions comes up. “How did you feel?” we would ask one another. Most of us felt bittersweet sadness mixed with terror, but not regret. It was a relief to know that I wasn’t alone.
But what I haven’t talked to anyone about is what I experienced on a deeper level. Yes, I was sad, yes, terrified… but I was also in a complicated spiral of emotions that included denial, annoyance, anger, and frustration. I was on an emotional roller coaster on the daily. Small things would set me off. I wasn’t ready to accept the reality of what was happening. I tried to hide it; sometimes I did it well, other times I couldn’t control it.
I went through all the stages, and it was messy af.
This, I know now, is grief. Apparently, it is not uncommon in business. I was so deeply connected to the brand I built that I felt as though I lost a part of myself. I was emotionally intertwined with it, and the disconnection was painful. Moreover, I was the one who made the decision to sell, which caused me to turn these complicated feelings inward.
I went through all the stages, and it was messy af.2 I agonized over the decision to leave, but I knew it was the right thing to do. To my dismay, I didn’t feel any relief after making the decision.
Then, once day I was at lunch with Jordan, and he casually said to me, “Things are going to be how they are no matter what you do. It doesn’t matter.” My whole body unclenched and exhaled. I looked at him with wide eyes and said, “you’re right.”
What he meant was, “it’s out of your control,” and I actually felt it for the first time.
It was as if I was carrying around a weighted backpack of responsibility and white knuckling what I imagined to be control over something that I had no control over. I didn’t need to grip at all anymore. Right then and there, I entered the acceptance stage. I’ll never forget it.
Acceptance is a beautiful thing. It took me years to get here, but I wouldn’t change a thing.
I’ve been into tarot and astrology since I was 13 but it’s not a belief system. However, I believe that our energy affects things.
I had a nervous breakdown. It was also 2020. Apologies to anyone I interacted with from 2019-2022. 😬😅
Man, I know how this feels, and it absolutely is grief. I cried for two weeks, like straight up balling, when we shut down our tech start up and pulled the literal plug on our product. Oddly, when we closed our bakery business it didn't hit as hard and I'm thinking because it was in early Covid times when we didn't know what was going to happen to the world. I think it absorbed some of the grief?
Thank you for sharing, and leading with such vulnerability - it resonates in a major way. As someone that has lived a life and career tangled in people pleasing - hospitality, closing my wine bar, which was necessary for my health and relationships, ended up being a grieving over a number of years. As I build a third business, in a creative and hopefully sustainable way, the growth is as you say messy af - since we’re learning to apply the healing, as we live in this world with others.