Not an essay about periods. OK maybe a little here and there. That's a perimenopause joke.
I read the Miranda July book and I want to be added to your group texts!
I suspect things started churning around age 35, but in 2019 when I turned 40, my life got flipped turned upside-down. Not only did I have this milestone birthday, I also had an existential crisis, sold my company, and moved my family to a new home.
Then, in 2020 we moved two more times, there was a global pandemic, widespread racial tension, and simultaneously, my body was going through so much turmoil. A chronic migraine condition I developed back in 2015 got so bad that I couldn’t really pay attention to anything. Everything was a mess and as I desperately tried to hold it all together, the dam finally broke.
I broke.
As my migraines increased with no response to medication, I went to the doctor for more exploratory tests. My periods were all over the place. I was “too young for menopause,” my doctor said, but she tested my hormones anyway. I’m glad she did—my follicule-stimulating hormone (the one that basically regulates reproductive processes) went from 16 to 68 IN ONE YEAR.
SIXTY-EIGHT. It’s supposed to be, at the highest, around 22 unless you’re in menopause. But I was still getting random periods.
I was clearly in perimenopause, but if I had a dollar for every person who told me I was too young… infuriating.
Sometimes it feels like a living hell that makes you a prisoner of your body, a stranger to those closest to you and to yourself. I haven’t looked at stats but I suspect it’s the cause of many divorces. Shit, I didn’t want to live with myself either!
Women don’t talk about this enough.1 How bad it sucks. How much we need each other’s support. I read the Miranda July book and I want to be added to your group texts!2
Men also need to learn more about it. If my husband didn’t understand what I was going through, he would’ve buried me in the backyard.
It took me until December 2023 (almost four years, tons of experiments, a ridiculous amount of out-of-pocket expenses and a few doctors later3) to finally figure out the balance of hormones and medication and lifestyle that is working for me. Things are somewhat stable having regained majority control.
Despite this assault on my physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing, I somehow emerged from the other side substantially more comfortable with who I am and more confident than ever before. I’m in the process of rebuilding myself for my next chapter.
It’s such a bittersweet transition—to give in fully, sit with the overwhelm, the discomfort, the frustration, the pining, the agitation, the sadness—and suddenly see your old self in the rear-view mirror, waving goodbye. I smile because I know I’m headed toward a new adventure with zero fucks left to give and the wind at my back.
Seriously
Shoutout to the North American Menopause Society for their directory
Almost there with ya. Until then…PMDD has given me a good crash course in recognizing changes and seeking solutions!
Being a man, I won't experience or pretend to understand menopause, but I have had my share of life-fucking conditions in the past 10 years: debilitating chronic back pain for 3 years, depression and hormonal imbalance. It feels that I'm just now getting things under control.
The funny thing is many of us continue to function (admittedly sometimes barely) in spite of the body fucking with us. At the end of the day there is almost always a path to recovery and we come out stronger on the other side.
Thanks for sharing.